Disney buy Marvel! OMGZ! LOL! ROFLMAO! B&Q!
Okay, so everybody and their dog and their dog’s life coach are going to post a blog about this. Most of them will give you the facts.
I won’t.
I will lie to you.
The Walt Disney Corporation, or ‘Big Walt and the Mecha-titans’ have today announced that they are buying Marvel for the princely sum of 16 turnips and a full-body massage. Joe Quesada has been quoted as screaming “Aaaaaayyyyyyyiiiiieeeeee!”, but with one of those funny upside-down exclamation marks at the front. Hans Gruber, working for the Disneytron Announcement Carousel, issued a statement but sadly the wind was blowing quite a bit and his words were scattered to the four corners of the world, owned by the Disney Corporation.
We contacted Hulk at his holiday home in Majorca, but he declined to comment.
Daredevil was more forthcoming, requesting “…some damn privacy! I’ve been through all of this press @##$%!! before and you people still hound me! I went to prison! I’m bliiiiind!”
So what does this mean for the inhabitants of the Marvel Universe? Will they be forced to relocate to Florida? Will Jean Grey’s cryogenically-frozen body be revived? Only one man can tell:
Phil Uatu, 65, is a former Watcher who retired amidst allegations of abusing his ‘watching’ privileges in locker rooms and public parks at night. Keen to sidestep that issue, he’s only too willing to provide a commentary on this shocking turn of events.
“Stuff’s going to ‘appen, mate!” he enthuses in a surprising Cockney drawl. “Ohhh, I tell ya. Yer gonna see singing fish, robots that learn life lessons… Doctor Octopus is going to be working in the mailroom of a large publishing company by November. Listen to me, son, I’ll see you right.” Uatu takes a drag of his herbal cigarette and picks up his binoculars. “Mate! Look out there! There’s a dog ripping a man’s face off! You wanna see this, it’s off the chain!”
We left Uatu’s house with a sense of unease and no answers. He was clearly a mental.
So did Disney even buy Marvel? Some are saying it’s a trick to lure us into buying more comics and more DVDs (sorry, Disney DVDs), and some are saying that Joe Quesada walks the streets at night, salting the sidewalk. All we know for sure is that something definitely happened somewhere, possibly involving hostages, but probably just money and cufflinks.
This is Jamie Roberts, for the sake of fillng thirty minutes, signing off until tomorrow.
Sleep well (don’t sleepwalk and wee in the wardrobe).
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